Understand

The year ends in 6 days. I am so glad this year will be over soon. I've had more heartache than I can stand. I pray the next year will find my girls & I prospering. No more negativity If I can help it. I just need to purge the toxic people & feelings out of my life. I wonder if anybody's heard of a toxicity purge for that kind of thing. Oh well I will have to work at it very hard. I have to keep praying & focusing for myself not others. One day I will be able to feel the I feel & everyone will understand & hold my hand. Instead of putting me down for not wanting what they think I need.. My heart & love life are not open for discussion anymore. It's mine alone. When will thy all understand? When will I understand?

Annonymous

I've been wondering much more I can take in my life. At times I let it all roll off my shoulders. At times I wanna crawl under a rock. Curl up & die somewhere. I know that's not how I should be but if anybody truly listened to what I say they might understand. I am locking my heart away in a treasure chest & burying it where no man (or woman) can find it. None of this pain is worth trying again. I don't want to feel anything I want to be numb. Why was love created if all we do is tear each other apart?? I do know one thing without a doubt. God's love never fails! It says so right there in black & white in the bible! But the basic love of human's does fail whether we believe it or not. Tine Turner said it best in her song.. "What's love got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

Life's Journeys

I have so many blessings I need to count them more. My girls, my job (its only one day a week but its something), my family who has tried their best to be there for me (even my dad who has so many health problems & shit going on. He's stressed out himself which is not good for him.), friends who are there for me to the best they can be, even when they have their own health or other issues. Maybe one day I'll even have a significant other who will love me for me whether I change or not.

I can't believe it's October already. Seems like this year is flying by & I'm always in a fog. The blinders have come off but I feel lost somehow. I've been filling out paperwork & applications I know my information almost by heart.. It still doesn't feel like enough. I hear comments about how hopeless & other things I am. But I am trying. There are other people with more credentials & certifications than me out of work. It feels like nobody understands that. This economy sucks for everyone. For those who have to start over especially at my age it totally sucks. I have to consider the source of some of the comments, but when others who I thought understood say things. Well lets just say it's devastating to me. I pray, I've given everything in my life to God. I just wish I wasn't surrounded by the negativity anymore. I'm being swallowed whole & nothings gonna spit me out. I can't hear what He has to say to me. Maybe I'm just to overwhelmed & impatient to hear His voice. I haven't figured that out yet. I need to disappear, it might be best for everyone around me except my girls.. My girls are my number one priority but I can't help financially. Which is the only concern for most people. I feel like nobody understands but that's how it's been most of my life. I need to change my way of thinking which I'm trying to do. Well time to get moving for work.

Weight lifted

Part of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Let me introduce myself I am a mother of 3 beautiful & smart young ladies. I have been accused of neglecting them & possibly of abusing them as well. Because my answers to questions were not liked & I defended someone the accusers believe them. What pisses me off is they aren't the only ones. But of course I have to consider the sources. I really need a place of my own I am surrounded by negativity. I need rainbows not storm clouds. Maybe I'm to defensive with some people but it's normal for me to feel that way I'm not sure how to change that. I'm an old lady & boy do I feel it.
But I am going to see my girls & take them where ever I want. Although for a while I guess group is not an option. I wish this nightmare would end soon & the whole truth would come out. This is hurting so many people. I feel bad that all of this had happened. So many things run thru my mind about it all. But I know in my heart it didn't happen the way the accusers think it did.
God will bring it all to light in His own time. But I'm getting impatient. my girls miss their family & friends...

My Prayers

I started writing out my prayers but I can't find my journal so I will write them here. No names but He knows who Im praying for. He knows my heart & soul even it feels empty.
Dear Lord, I have so many loved ones to pray for I'm not sure where to start. A definite start is with my girls. They are going through so much right now. I pray you watch over them & help them through this. Help them to know the truth about the situation when the time is right for them. Lord I pray they never forget how much I love them or want them to live with me. I pray the truth comes out Lord. I was not the perfect wife or mother but it is not all my fault. Lord I pray you look over my family & friends, each has their own struggles to endure yet they try to stand by me. I pray you will touch all of them & show them the true angels on earth they have been to me. I pray for everyone in the hospitals or at home that are sick around the world, near & far. I pray you lay your hand on them & heal them or take them home so they may stop suffering. Lord I pray you watch over those who have stood against me mend their hearts. I pray for everyone I know, Lord.
Look into my heart & soul Lord everything & everyone is there.
Lord I pray you help me through my struggles, guide me with Your strength. Help me think more positively everyday. Most of all Lord I pray for your forgiveness. I am not perfect, Lord. I give it all up to you Lord. I feel lost & alone though I know you are there Lord. Please take the pain away, Lord I'm not sure how much more I can take. It hurts to breathe, to think, to be me.

Clearing the mind

I can't believe it's August first today. Where the hell has the year gone? It's all a blur. My two youngest daughters start preschool tomorrow. I still have a job that is scheduled one day a week. I'm driving the truck which takes a lot of gas & I have to ask for it most of the time. Since my checks are so little I can barely afford gas. Uggh I also need a checking account but I cant do that. This just plain sucks. Where the hell is my fairy godmother when I need her? LOL! I don't know where to go from here. I'm getting frustrated with everything. To top it all off Im getting bitched at for running around too much.I dropped off my couch & hello the gear shift broke off or I would not have come back to Pittsburg so much. No matter what I say makes a difference. Help Calgon take me far far away.

No love is best

They say to live is better than not to have loved. Well I'm don't believe that, not anymore. The numbness from all the hurt doesn't go away. It just sits until your hurt again & multiplies. whether your hurt from your own stupidity or from others. It all hurts the same. Nothing is worth all the hurt in life. But I will say one thing I would not go back & change anything before I had my girls. I love them with all my heart & soul & that will never end. If I didn't have them life wouldnt be worth living for me. They are all I have. NO one will ever love me like Id should be loved. Why should I put whats left of my heart out there to be obliterated again?? Nope I won't risk it again. It's not worth it. I doubt it ever was. I am nothing & that's how it always will be. Just call me mommy to my girls that's all I am. But right now I can't even be that. I give it all to God because I feel too numb to try to change anything right now.

Too much on my mind

Lots of stuff swimming around in my head. I'm not sure why. I guess I judt worry about the same stuff all the time as well as new stuff every day. Maybe I should outline & list the crap then burn it like they suggest. But I doubt that will work.
I pray & give it all to God then I feel better. But when I wake up its back in my head. Plus new worries. I'm worried about my girls of course. Im worried Im gonna lose them & Im gonna be alone. Oh well it doesnt matter whether I am or not anymore. My heart is shattered beyond repair. I only have 3 peices thats it & they are reserved for my girls.

Promises to myself

I have to promise myself not to let what is said to me or about me to bother me. No matter who says it or why. I have to try harder to find a job, a car, & a place to live. I'm at a loss for words most of the time to say how I feel because no one wants to know. I've talked about myself too much as it is. I will try harder to just write everything out. Whether in story form thought form or whatever. I need to get everything out of my head & most importantlyheart. Ive been hurt so much I have no heart. Well actually I have three pieces left & they are reserved for my girls. Edna has such an attitude with me, Loni says she has 2 moms, Lynn still holds tight. Loni always says she wants me to stay with her. I love & miss them soo much. I am numb.

Update

Wow its been awhile since I wrote hasn't it. Let's see how long has it been since April. So much crap has happened no wonder its been awhile. I've had writers block for some time now. Hell I forgot I had a blog & where it was. It took a great friend to kick my arse in gear & remind me I had it. She told me to just write the next chapter in my lifes journey. Truthfully I don't feel very inspired. My kids were taken from me, all of a sudden I'm a bad mother. I've been kicked out of my family & treated like less than dirt. But I'm trying it just doesnt feel like Im doing much but going around in circles.
As for love well I've given up on it. There is no love for me in this world. I dont even know why I ever tried it always ends with my heart in pieces. Except this time I have my girls to consider.

being sick sucks

Well oh me oh my Im sick again. I have been for what about 3 or 4 weeks now. It sucks I'm stuck in the house Im getting cabin fever. I hate being sick I hate being me right now.. Oh well it doesn't really matter except to my girls I hate not being able to do anything for them except feeding & such.

Missing Love

Where is Love when it is most needed? Is it in the air around us? Is it in the clouds above us? Why do we feel alone when we don't feel loved?
I see love in my daughter's eyes, in their laughter, sometimes in their screams of joy. My girls are my heart right now. Nothing else matters. But I feel so alone it is a deep hole in my heart. Life only thrives when tere is love all around. Thank God I have my friends to help me through this. When will I find someone who will love me for me? No matter how I look, cook or how I keep my house. If you KNEW I was like this in the beginning. Why did you say you loved me? I am so confused & I feel used. WOW that's in my poem "Loss of Love". It does not matter anymore how I feel. True love, tru adult love does not exist for me & Im afraid it never will. I wll focus on my girls & nothing else.
Thank You God for my girls & my great friends!! They are my biggest blessings.