No love is best

They say to live is better than not to have loved. Well I'm don't believe that, not anymore. The numbness from all the hurt doesn't go away. It just sits until your hurt again & multiplies. whether your hurt from your own stupidity or from others. It all hurts the same. Nothing is worth all the hurt in life. But I will say one thing I would not go back & change anything before I had my girls. I love them with all my heart & soul & that will never end. If I didn't have them life wouldnt be worth living for me. They are all I have. NO one will ever love me like Id should be loved. Why should I put whats left of my heart out there to be obliterated again?? Nope I won't risk it again. It's not worth it. I doubt it ever was. I am nothing & that's how it always will be. Just call me mommy to my girls that's all I am. But right now I can't even be that. I give it all to God because I feel too numb to try to change anything right now.

Too much on my mind

Lots of stuff swimming around in my head. I'm not sure why. I guess I judt worry about the same stuff all the time as well as new stuff every day. Maybe I should outline & list the crap then burn it like they suggest. But I doubt that will work.
I pray & give it all to God then I feel better. But when I wake up its back in my head. Plus new worries. I'm worried about my girls of course. Im worried Im gonna lose them & Im gonna be alone. Oh well it doesnt matter whether I am or not anymore. My heart is shattered beyond repair. I only have 3 peices thats it & they are reserved for my girls.

Promises to myself

I have to promise myself not to let what is said to me or about me to bother me. No matter who says it or why. I have to try harder to find a job, a car, & a place to live. I'm at a loss for words most of the time to say how I feel because no one wants to know. I've talked about myself too much as it is. I will try harder to just write everything out. Whether in story form thought form or whatever. I need to get everything out of my head & most importantlyheart. Ive been hurt so much I have no heart. Well actually I have three pieces left & they are reserved for my girls. Edna has such an attitude with me, Loni says she has 2 moms, Lynn still holds tight. Loni always says she wants me to stay with her. I love & miss them soo much. I am numb.

Update

Wow its been awhile since I wrote hasn't it. Let's see how long has it been since April. So much crap has happened no wonder its been awhile. I've had writers block for some time now. Hell I forgot I had a blog & where it was. It took a great friend to kick my arse in gear & remind me I had it. She told me to just write the next chapter in my lifes journey. Truthfully I don't feel very inspired. My kids were taken from me, all of a sudden I'm a bad mother. I've been kicked out of my family & treated like less than dirt. But I'm trying it just doesnt feel like Im doing much but going around in circles.
As for love well I've given up on it. There is no love for me in this world. I dont even know why I ever tried it always ends with my heart in pieces. Except this time I have my girls to consider.